Thoughts that have been weighing on my heart and mind...

I try to be kind to people... genuinely kind.

I also try to help them as much as I am able.

I want to be an ear, a shoulder, someone to lean on....

I can honestly say, to the best of my ability and to my knowledge, I am all these things.  

I am not trying to say , "Hey look at me." and I am by no means am looking for a pat on the back.

Where it started to weigh heavy on my heart is when I thought...

Who was I when I was hurt or made angry by a someone...?

What were the thoughts I had at that point? 

I have to be honest and say that they weren't always good.  They were not well wishes and blessings. 

I thought about me.

  I wanted them to somehow know I was hurt and did not deserve it.

DESERVE!?  REALLY?

Why do I think people owe me something?  

If I am doing what I am doing because I want to, then that leaves the people I am doing them for owing me NOTHING.  

They don't have to be kind.  They do not need to "repay" me.  They are not obligated to treat me well because of how I chose to treat them.

That's where I started thinking about what I deserve.  

When it comes down to it 

I am no where near perfect. 

No human is.

So when it comes down to what I truly deserve well I deserve...

NOTHING! NADA! ZIP!

And to think any differently is completely stupid of me!

And I have to say that I am thankful for grace.   Because of it  I am redeemed and will not be receiving what I truly deserve.

And for that reason I want to become the type of person that lives her life knowing that I will never be able to repay what was done for me, Edith Martinez, on Calvary so long ago.  So it is not about what I deserve, but how can I live my life accordingly?

I, Edith Martinez, want to be an encourager, someone who cares... genuinely cares.  

Regardless of how I am treated.  That will not stop me from being kind or caring for anyone.

My prayer, Lord, is that You would...

let me be someone who has a selfless faith

heal my heart and make it clean

open up my eyes to the things unseen

show me how to love like You have loved me

break my heart for what breaks Yours

 let everything I am be for Your kingdom's cause.

Amen